[re-creating me]

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring
-Nichole Nordeman
***
So spring hit a bit early this year.

I'm always a bit in awe of how and when God chooses to do his work. Those of you familiar with my life this last few months know that I was expecting a long and cold winter. Broken hearts of all kinds have a way of narrowing your vision; for a while all you can focus on is the hurt. You know there is a tunnel from your present misery to "being over it" - a tunnel that you have no choice but to walk through. (Your suspicion, if you're anything like me, is that it's gonna be awful long and lonely and horrible. An optimist in most things, I am terribly jaded when it comes to this relationship stuff).

Sometimes, that tunnel IS long and lonely. I've been there.

But God's timeline doesn't always follow our expectations, and his seasons are on a far different schedule than the ones we plant our flowers by. Right now, for me, it's spring. No one is more surprised than I am, that's for sure.

(What's really weird is that our actual winter here in WA seems to be mirroring my life. Yesterday it was sunny and nearly 60 degrees, as it's been for the last few weeks - unheard-of for late January. My brother and I are happy to enjoy the savings on our heating bill in our apartment... the skiers and snowboarders... are varying degrees of bitter and angry).

It's fully tempting to paint a happy face on the last month or so, to claim that my path through that tunnel was an easy one (or even to claim that I'm fully through it). Everyone loves an easy success story, right? It might be impressive, I might come off as strong and self-assured - but I'd be a liar, and friends who know me would call me on it (Julie...), so I might as well be honest.

Here's the truth: Blue jeeps still catch my attention as I'm out and about (I never knew how many of them there were before now), and last week the thought of potentially bumping into the gent in question put me in tears – out of nowhere, when I had been doing great. It fully feels normal to be on my own again; I am happy; but there are still moments when it just kinda sucks (i.e., not having plans on a Friday night). These things just take a while (and they don't always follow a practical line of thought). I'm allowing myself that time. Faking the process does no one any good. As much as I felt like it would make it easier on our group of mutual friends, I realized recently that more than anything – more than being able to hang out like old times, more than things being smoothed over – my friends want me to be healed and happy. And they're gracious enough to give me that time (without a stopwatch). I'm close. What remains to be healed is right around the corner.

What has surprised me (once again) is God's ability and willingness to work in me and through me even though I am fully aware that I don't have it all together right now. He brought spring to my tunnel, basically (to mix two analogies horribly and inexcusably... I'm sorry). I can't even put it into words fully, but there is new growth happening in my heart. I am more filled with hope than I've been in a long time. I am alive. There are some moments that being alive means I'm feeling pain, but more often these days, it means a joy that defies full expression.

I feel kinda like I did as a kid - remember those beans we all planted in styrofoam cups in elementary school? Every day, you're running to the window, anxiously looking to find the cup with your name on it... amazed to see the leaves unfold, in awe of the change that took place even in the last 24 hours. You're expecting a miracle every day, and everyday, there's one right in front of your face.

That's my life right now.

Like I said, you never know the exact timing of God's seasons. They don't always follow a prescribed pattern. He chooses what and when. I'm grateful for this time, but I think it's important that I not lose sight of the work he does in other, tougher, colder ones, as well. I think it's all about surrendering myself to the process; recognizing that God is God for a reason and that he knows more than I do; it's about allowing myself to live out the little that I do know: in all seasons, in all circumstances, in all situations, I can live in the confidence of trusting that, seen and unseen, God is at work, for my good, for his purposes.

Whatever season you find yourself in today, I hope this encourages you. If you're in the tunnel, be encouraged that it doesn't last forever, and that you're not alone as you walk through it. (Be encouraged, also, that God can use you, even there in that darkness). If you're enjoying the sun, as I am, soak up every moment. It's good.