home, part two

I want to eventually go into why I found myself so at home in my newfound community, but first need to explain what probably impacted me the most while I was there - the pastors who I was for some reason privileged to hang out with during my year there. First up - Matt.

Matt, my worship pastor, helped me to grow probably more than any other single person there. I had basically given up on music by the time I arrived at CTK, more specifically, had given up on my desire to lead worship. A pretty voice and passionate heart I had; but I lacked confidence, and more specifically, lacked the Bible-college-boy rock star persona that seemed so popular. I was always better in the quieter, more introspective moments, sharing my heart from the piano bench, trying to help people connect to who they were singing to, and then singing my guts out. I've never been good at smooth and polished; I was always probably more raw than anything (and perhaps more open from the stage than some were comfortable with). I hadn't found an avenue where that fit, so I figured it just wasn't my deal.

I think I'd been attending CTK about two weeks when Matt asked me to come in to sing and play for him, see if I'd want to be part of the worship ministry. He let me know they were going to work on a recording project for Christmas, would I maybe be interested in being a part of it? I promptly laughed out loud, not thinking he was serious. I was used to having to fight so hard to be a part of things, and here, seemingly, was a wide open door, for me to do whatever my heart wanted to run after. (Even though I was a big softie with no rock-star qualities whatsoever).

So, I began singing & playing with the worship ministry. I grew by osmosis, basically. Here were these absolutely amazing musicians, who, if they had wanted, could have put on the rock-star attitude... but didn't. I'd never felt like more of a rookie, but they were patient and helpful, and I grew musically just by practicing and playing with them. I grew spiritually just by being around them. I felt alive - often; felt for the first time in a long time that God could use me just the way he made me. I didn't need to become someone else; if anything, I needed to become more myself. I knew that, just as I am, I was helping people connect in a real way to God through music. My confidence in all these things grew like crazy. And for once, I just felt like I fit. (This was confirmed in a scary way the Sunday we all showed up in variations on a theme: black shirts, dark jeans, and of course, our so-intellectual dark-rimmed glasses. We promptly mocked ourselves. What serious musicians we all were...)

Matt put together a small group that went through the book "The Heart of the Artist" by Rory Noland. This figured significantly into my growth as well, just talking honestly about what it is to be an artist serving the church. The book takes a blunt (brutal?) look at issues that artists of all pursuits face, such as excellence vs. perfectionism, servanthood vs. stardom, etc. I was humbled at certain places as I was made aware of wrong motives. I wished I'd have read the book five years ago. The main point, however, is that God made us as artists sensitive for a reason, there was no need to fake it or thicken our skin... we were made sensitive in order to see God, hear God in the everyday... and translate it, point at it, scrawl it out in big letters for those who perhaps have a harder time noticing. Good stuff.

I think the thing that made the biggest impact on my life was that, from almost the very beginning, I knew that Matt believed in me, thought I had potential, and was willing to invest time and relationship into that process. He basically put a "10" on my forehead, as I've heard it explained before. I was so used to having to try so very hard to please my ministry "superiors"... and found myself able to just be myself. I was used to trying to find a way to fit in with my Bible-college-youth-ministry-major-guy peers (if you've been in ministry, you know exactly what I'm talking about), and for once didn't have to. I was on the radar of those I worked with, even though I was different. I was used to especially not fitting because I was the token chick, and found myself included just as the rest of the guys on the team were. (Side note... I understand the importance of boundaries, and no one guards them more than I do. I was trained well in my years of youth ministry. But there's a point at which it just gets ridiculous, where doors to opportunities end up shut just because the poor girl doesn't have the luxury of being married off, and therefore, "safe." I was impressed that Matt, and the other pastors there, weren't afraid to talk to me like a normal person, unafraid to have deeper-than-surface talks about what was going on in my life.)

Everyone needs a champion at some point in their life. Someone who's way further along, whether it be in skills, experience, or both... who sees something in you that makes it worth their time to let you come along for part of the ride. With lots of good talks (and good music) along the way. God, for some reason, saw fit to send me Matt for that all-too-short season before I had to move home from Bellingham. And however discouraged I sometimes feel, whenever I start to feel like "this just isn't my deal"... I remember that season, remember some of those casual but life-changing talks. And then I go grab my guitar for a while, and let my heart sing loud.

(Matt and Wendy now pastor at a church near Seattle... sometime this month I'm going to head over and we'll lead some worship together. Looking forward to it. Mentors never REALLY go away, I'm finding...)